hello my friends, i hope you had a jolly christmas. here, in my part of the world, we had a white christmas day with lots of snow. we are on lockdown again, so online ordering for groceries and last minute gifts, a cozy meal with the family, just perfect, the way i like it.
the week in between christmas and new year. it is such a special one. it’s like the world has stopped, ‘the holidays’ as people like to say:
we don’t have time to wake up or time to go to bed
we want to do many things and at the same time to do nothing
the christmas tree is still up, but the gifts are unwrapped.
we are stuffed with all the christmas food, but making plans for the new year’s eve feast
our mind goes back to the year that is ending, contentment and regrets all mixed up.
our thoughts go ahead for the year that is starting carrying plans and dreams.
the days are getting longer, the snow has melted but the air is pregnant and heavy, the winter isn’t done yet.
2020 has indeed taught us many lessons. The vulnerability has been my major one. I’ve learned that I am vulnerable, I have limits and I need to respect them. I’m not stronger as I was in my 20s and 30s. My body and mind crave more attention. I need to set boundaries. This year I accepted that I’m an introvert and it’s OK to say NO and to prioritize my space, my moments of quiet.
My last post here was in October, I didn’t post anything in November. I had to evaluate my blogging path. I love all the connections and friends I’ve made during these 7 years of blogging. I’ve joined many challenges during the years and enjoyed them, but they were putting pressure on me. I was feeling obligated to post until in days that I had nothing to say. I don’t want this kind of pressure, it’s already enough everything that we go through with family, job… I wish this space to be free, a place that I can fly and create without boundaries, and not deadlines. So, from now on, no more challenges, only a few musings here and there.
Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I’ll be mad.
I’d be happy to hear how 2020 has been treating you, any lessons?
Pumpkin pie and coffee. I went to the farmers market yesterday. First time since the pandemic started months ago. I was glad to see that the local farmers didn’t stop. They had all the goodness of the season there: apples, pears, plums, pumpkins…. Now, more than ever, we should support our local business to booster our city economy.
Lost in the darkest night
Thoughts are nightmares
Light is far away
Is it always me
who carries the sorrow
and the what-ifs?
Isn't enough to just be
and let go?
Forgiveness is there
a treasure waiting to be found
May 20, 2020 :: 20 year wedding anniversary! Love all the 20s in here!
I baked a cake to celebrate this special date.
And I used the china from my mother’s weeding, 68 years ago, to serve the cake and the tea. It was the first time I used her china since I inherited it 10 years ago. The symbol for 20th year anniversary is china!
I dressed my wedding dress after all these years for the first time. I couldn’t zip it up, but it was lovely to feel the softness of it on my body for few minutes, and to immerse myself in all the memories and feelings it brought back to me.
Today is Earth Day, I was planning to start this post with Happy Earth Day! I decided not to add the word Happy. Why?
Is it really fair to say the word happy at this time with so much pain in the world?
The Earth is infested with a virus that is killing many people, destroying families, jobs, and life per si because of human’s careless actions. At the same time, the WHO, healthy officials, and politicians are dealing with the situation as if it was a game.
So, there is no happy, just Earth Day! I do hope that we can find time to disconnect from the big chaos in the world right now and to focus on the goodness that the Earth gifts us everyday.
I found this gorgeous dandelion in my backyard yesterday. It’s so delicate and intriguing, a work of art from Nature. It made me smile and I felt gratitude towards the Earth, which, in spite of everything the humanity does to it, is still a beautiful place to be.
“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
I hope you are doing OK!
Finally, I’m settling down into a routine of staying home. It isn’t the same thing as a staycation, where we are at home to relax, forget about work and enjoy time with the family.
Stay home now, means taking care of the home, the kids and still keep up with the office work. Everybody expects a lot from you.
How can I set up priorities? Should I get ready the lunch for the kids or should I work on a project deadline?
Little by little, step by step, I’m adapting to the new, creating a routine, and most importantly saving time for my me time, where I can spend few minutes journaling, blogging and enjoying my garden now that the weather is getting warm.
Not sure for what
Maybe a place, a time, space
between dreams and instincts
Flying far from the being
only to be
the truth, the passion
Grounded and free
The imagination opens to the impossible
Thoughts closing up
Reason and intuition
Fighting, begging their moment
Each one is a battle
The skin and the suffer
Giving room to the pleasure
A mission accomplished
A promise was forgotten
Tension, stress, circumstances out of control, losing my true essence.
I need to understand what has happened. I need to write and make sense of my actions. Browsing around WordPress I found this challenge, so get ready to listen to me. I’m grateful to have a few minutes of your time.
Last week, while visiting my family and friends by the seaside, I went to a restaurant and I lost control of myself. Everything started when my father, a 92-year-old retiree, said he wants to eat a shrimp dish from a famous restaurant in town. It was a great idea to go there, I don’t like shrimp but they have a variety of fish and it will be nice to treat my father with good food.
I had planned to visit an old family friend during my stay as well, so we decided to invite her and her family to have lunch with us. The restaurant is one of the most expensive in town, the food is delicious and the view is breathtaking. I thought we would have a wonderful time and I’d take care of the check, it will be a treat for my father and my friend’s family, they are lovely people. Early morning, my friend sent me a message telling me that she had invited another couple to go with us. I didn’t like the idea, I thought my father wouldn’t be comfortable around strangers, and I was looking for spending time with my them, not to be worried about small talk, but I didn’t say anything to her. Before leaving, my father said that he would pay for everybody. I told him, No! It was a treat to him and I would pay, or we would divide the bill since now more people are coming.
The event that should have been cozy friends get together now turned out to be a social kind of meeting.When I was getting ready I had the feeling that things wouldn’t turn our nice. Do you know, the intuition! But as usual, I didn’t listen to it! At the restaurant, my father looked for the shrimp dish he wanted, and when he saw the price, $ 250.00, he said he didn’t want it anymore, I told him, it’s ok, we came here for it. He said he didn’t want it because he didn’t like one of the ingredients in the dish. I said Ok, they have other shrimp dishes and we can get another one. My friend and her family arrived and she said we should order a combo dish and everyone share it, the restaurant has some dishes that feed 6 people.
I was already getting stressed, I didn’t care what I would eat since my father and kids had what they want. We were a total of 9 people, my kids don’t like fish and they quickly chose a beef dish to share, my friend’s husband and kid chose a fish dish to share as well, and the rest of us shared a shrimp dish. Remember that I don’t like shrimp! I gave all the shrimp from my share to my father and ate only a little bit of rice. When we were still eating the desert, my father got his credit card and told me to ask the check, that he was going to pay. I imagined it would be almost 1/2 of his monthly pension. I said no, you won’t pay it, he started to insist. Everybody laughing, talking, and I was feeling I was going to explode, do you know the feeling, when you want to hide in a black hole. I wasn’t happy with the food, I didn’t like all the pressure.
Adding the appetizers, drinks, and deserts the bill was around 1000.00. I wasn’t going to let my father pay for it, I know how it is difficult for him to keep up with his budget. I wasn’t paying it either, I felt it wasn’t fair since I was the one that ate the least and wasn’t have fun. So the question: How to divide it? My friend said, we divide by 3; my family, her family and the couple. I said it wasn’t fair to the couple. The couple said, we divide per the number of the people, and pay according. I’m not sure but didn’t think that it would be fair either. I got hold of the bill, my phone’s calculator and started to add each small thing that each one had eaten or drunk. My friend agreed and helped me to do the calculations. In the end, we paid exactly what our families had consumed. I was in so much stress that I forgot the pin for my credit card, I had to try 2 times before it went through, my mind was completed blank.
I left the restaurant drained. And now one week later I’m still thinking about it. What did happen to me? Why was I so cheap? I could have paid the full bill or at least a half, but I only wanted to leave that place. Recently my threshold is decreasing, I can’t keep up being around people, I can’t think straight when I’m in a situation of stress. Now, I’m back home and instead of thinking about all the other moments of joy I had during the trip I’m feeling guilty for my actions.
Well, thanks for listening! If you are still here, I’d love to hear your thoughts about my behaviour.