Noticing # 72

Happy December! A new month, new pages and new challenge to me.

Morning pages and this book “Women who run with the wolves” had been part of my morning routine for many years until recently when I let go of my time of reflection and things started to fall apart in my mind.

I’ve decided to take more seriously my well being in this last month of the year and I’m challenging myself to write as much as I can every morning and use this book to guided me as a prompt. It has many pink passages that I’ve selected over the years. If you don’t know yet, I use a pink highlighter to mark the sentences that speak out to me. Today I opened the book and this little pink got my eyes:

“We need to only look into and learn from those soulful eyes that are wild and wise and lovely.”

Isn’t it perfect for my moment? And as a side note: my cup of coffee/tea as well a candle are a must during my morning time.

I’ll try to post my progress here, as much as I can to keep up with my ‘noticing’ moments too. I started so long ago, here, but I let go of it too, only showing up a bit here and there.

Wishing a wonderful month to you, full of creativity and ‘me time’!

Noticing # 71

morning pages

Hello, I’ve just noticed that today is the last Sunday of November! Soon, Christmas and New Year will be knocking on the door.

I love December, all the beautiful lights, decorations, people getting together, all the merry and merry. But I don’t enjoy the business that comes with December: finishing projects, buying gifts, planning meals, parties… I try to focus on simplicity and minimalism, but it’s almost impossible.

One way to keep my mind centred is to write every morning, put on the paper my ideas and focus for the day.

And you? How do you keep your focus on the busiest month of the year?

Wishing a great last week of November to you!

Longing

Reena’s Exploration Challenge prompt this week is a photo, a mean, few photos to chose from, I picked this one:

Here is my entry:

Longing
Not sure for what
Maybe a place, a time, space
between dreams and instincts
Transforming
Flying far from the being
only to be
the truth, the passion
Grounded and free
The imagination opens to the impossible
Thoughts closing up
Reason and intuition
Fighting, begging their moment
Each one is a battle
The skin and the suffer
Giving room to the pleasure
A mission accomplished
A promise was forgotten

Was that really me at the restaurant?

Tension, stress, circumstances out of control, losing my true essence. 

Restaurant Chilling Out Classy Lifestyle Reserved Concept
Pixabay

I need to understand what has happened. I need to write and make sense of my actions. Browsing around WordPress I found this challenge, so get ready to listen to me. I’m grateful to have a few minutes of your time.


Last week, while visiting my family and friends by the seaside, I went to a restaurant and I lost control of myself. 
Everything started when my father, a 92-year-old retiree, said he wants to eat a shrimp dish from a famous restaurant in town. It was a great idea to go there, I don’t like shrimp but they have a variety of fish and it will be nice to treat my father with good food. 

I had planned to visit an old family friend during my stay as well, so we decided to invite her and her family to have lunch with us. The restaurant is one of the most expensive in town, the food is delicious and the view is breathtaking.
I thought we would have a wonderful time and I’d take care of the check, it will be a treat for my father and my friend’s family, they are lovely people. 
Early morning, my friend sent me a message telling me that she had invited another couple to go with us. I didn’t like the idea, I thought my father wouldn’t be comfortable around strangers, and I was looking for spending time with my them, not to be worried about small talk, but I didn’t say anything to her. 
Before leaving, my father said that he would pay for everybody. I told him, No! It was a treat to him and I would pay, or we would divide the bill since now more people are coming. 

The event that should have been cozy friends get together now turned out to be a social kind of meeting.When I was getting ready I had the feeling that things wouldn’t turn our nice. Do you know, the intuition! But as usual, I didn’t listen to it! 
At the restaurant, my father looked for the shrimp dish he wanted, and when he saw the price, $ 250.00, he said he didn’t want it anymore, I told him, it’s ok, we came here for it. He said he didn’t want it because he didn’t like one of the ingredients in the dish. I said Ok, they have other shrimp dishes and we can get another one. My friend and her family arrived and she said we should order a combo dish and everyone share it, the restaurant has some dishes that feed 6 people.

I was already getting stressed, I didn’t care what I would eat since my father and kids had what they want. We were a total of 9 people, my kids don’t like fish and they quickly chose a beef dish to share, my friend’s husband and kid chose a fish dish to share as well, and the rest of us shared a shrimp dish. Remember that I don’t like shrimp! I gave all the shrimp from my share to my father and ate only a little bit of rice. 
When we were still eating the desert, my father got his credit card and told me to ask the check, that he was going to pay.  I imagined it would be almost 1/2 of his monthly pension. I said no, you won’t pay it, he started to insist. Everybody laughing, talking, and I was feeling I was going to explode, do you know the feeling, when you want to hide in a black hole. I wasn’t happy with the food, I didn’t like all the pressure. 

Adding the appetizers, drinks, and deserts the bill was around 1000.00. I wasn’t going to let my father pay for it, I know how it is difficult for him to keep up with his budget. I wasn’t paying it either, I felt it wasn’t fair since I was the one that ate the least and wasn’t have fun.  So the question: How to divide it? My friend said, we divide by 3; my family, her family and the couple. I said it wasn’t fair to the couple. The couple said, we divide per the number of the people, and pay according. I’m not sure but didn’t think that it would be fair either. I got hold of the bill, my phone’s calculator and started to add each small thing that each one had eaten or drunk. My friend agreed and helped me to do the calculations. In the end, we paid exactly what our families had consumed. I was in so much stress that I forgot the pin for my credit card, I had to try 2 times before it went through, my mind was completed blank.

I left the restaurant drained. And now one week later I’m still thinking about it. What did happen to me? Why was I so cheap? I could have paid the full bill or at least a half, but I only wanted to leave that place. Recently my threshold is decreasing, I can’t keep up being around people, I can’t think straight when I’m in a situation of stress. Now, I’m back home and instead of thinking about all the other moments of joy I had during the trip I’m feeling guilty for my actions. 

Well, thanks for listening! If you are still here, I’d love to hear your thoughts about my behaviour. 

noticing # 70

I’m so glad to live in a world where there are Octobers

LM Montgomery

The weather was gorgeous this weekend, I had a long walk outdoors and I was so pleased to see beauty in every corner.

Like this visitor in our small bay. Blue heron birds generally stop by this time of the year during their migration to the south. It’s not easy to get them to be still for the photo, I think this one enjoyed all the attention.

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I was a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns”

George Eliot

The trees are beautiful and graciously letting go of their leaves.

And the sun took a step back, the leaves lulled themselves to sleep and Autumn was awakened

Raquel Franco

Glad I could enjoy this warm weekend outdoors, and I cleaned up the backyard and the barbecue as well. It’s time to turn my attention to indoors and inward to myself.

I hope you had a great weekend and a lovely starting of the week.

Love #Nonet

The image is from Pixabay, by Michael Seibt
All the love and flowers you give me
Feelings are submerged in our skin
Yes, it's possible to dream
Lightness in my being
Music for senses
Beauty and might
Wondering
Dancing
Still

This image is so cute and made me wonder about impossible things, or maybe all the possibilities.

Sharing with Colleen’s poetry challenge.