Longing

Reena’s Exploration Challenge prompt this week is a photo, a mean, few photos to chose from, I picked this one:

Here is my entry:

Longing
Not sure for what
Maybe a place, a time, space
between dreams and instincts
Transforming
Flying far from the being
only to be
the truth, the passion
Grounded and free
The imagination opens to the impossible
Thoughts closing up
Reason and intuition
Fighting, begging their moment
Each one is a battle
The skin and the suffer
Giving room to the pleasure
A mission accomplished
A promise was forgotten

Was that really me at the restaurant?

Tension, stress, circumstances out of control, losing my true essence. 

Restaurant Chilling Out Classy Lifestyle Reserved Concept
Pixabay

I need to understand what has happened. I need to write and make sense of my actions. Browsing around WordPress I found this challenge, so get ready to listen to me. I’m grateful to have a few minutes of your time.


Last week, while visiting my family and friends by the seaside, I went to a restaurant and I lost control of myself. 
Everything started when my father, a 92-year-old retiree, said he wants to eat a shrimp dish from a famous restaurant in town. It was a great idea to go there, I don’t like shrimp but they have a variety of fish and it will be nice to treat my father with good food. 

I had planned to visit an old family friend during my stay as well, so we decided to invite her and her family to have lunch with us. The restaurant is one of the most expensive in town, the food is delicious and the view is breathtaking.
I thought we would have a wonderful time and I’d take care of the check, it will be a treat for my father and my friend’s family, they are lovely people. 
Early morning, my friend sent me a message telling me that she had invited another couple to go with us. I didn’t like the idea, I thought my father wouldn’t be comfortable around strangers, and I was looking for spending time with my them, not to be worried about small talk, but I didn’t say anything to her. 
Before leaving, my father said that he would pay for everybody. I told him, No! It was a treat to him and I would pay, or we would divide the bill since now more people are coming. 

The event that should have been cozy friends get together now turned out to be a social kind of meeting.When I was getting ready I had the feeling that things wouldn’t turn our nice. Do you know, the intuition! But as usual, I didn’t listen to it! 
At the restaurant, my father looked for the shrimp dish he wanted, and when he saw the price, $ 250.00, he said he didn’t want it anymore, I told him, it’s ok, we came here for it. He said he didn’t want it because he didn’t like one of the ingredients in the dish. I said Ok, they have other shrimp dishes and we can get another one. My friend and her family arrived and she said we should order a combo dish and everyone share it, the restaurant has some dishes that feed 6 people.

I was already getting stressed, I didn’t care what I would eat since my father and kids had what they want. We were a total of 9 people, my kids don’t like fish and they quickly chose a beef dish to share, my friend’s husband and kid chose a fish dish to share as well, and the rest of us shared a shrimp dish. Remember that I don’t like shrimp! I gave all the shrimp from my share to my father and ate only a little bit of rice. 
When we were still eating the desert, my father got his credit card and told me to ask the check, that he was going to pay.  I imagined it would be almost 1/2 of his monthly pension. I said no, you won’t pay it, he started to insist. Everybody laughing, talking, and I was feeling I was going to explode, do you know the feeling, when you want to hide in a black hole. I wasn’t happy with the food, I didn’t like all the pressure. 

Adding the appetizers, drinks, and deserts the bill was around 1000.00. I wasn’t going to let my father pay for it, I know how it is difficult for him to keep up with his budget. I wasn’t paying it either, I felt it wasn’t fair since I was the one that ate the least and wasn’t have fun.  So the question: How to divide it? My friend said, we divide by 3; my family, her family and the couple. I said it wasn’t fair to the couple. The couple said, we divide per the number of the people, and pay according. I’m not sure but didn’t think that it would be fair either. I got hold of the bill, my phone’s calculator and started to add each small thing that each one had eaten or drunk. My friend agreed and helped me to do the calculations. In the end, we paid exactly what our families had consumed. I was in so much stress that I forgot the pin for my credit card, I had to try 2 times before it went through, my mind was completed blank.

I left the restaurant drained. And now one week later I’m still thinking about it. What did happen to me? Why was I so cheap? I could have paid the full bill or at least a half, but I only wanted to leave that place. Recently my threshold is decreasing, I can’t keep up being around people, I can’t think straight when I’m in a situation of stress. Now, I’m back home and instead of thinking about all the other moments of joy I had during the trip I’m feeling guilty for my actions. 

Well, thanks for listening! If you are still here, I’d love to hear your thoughts about my behaviour. 

balance

happy first day of spring! it’s a good day to reflect on what matters, what we should keep up with, and what we should let go.

my friend Gina, singledust, is hosting a poetry challenge this week at dVerse, i couldn’t resist the topic, so i’m joining in!

“I am hosting Poetics this week contemplating the Tanpura Principle in writing. Do you have a poetic hum in the background of your life that inspires your writing? How does your non-creative life affect your writing process? Tell us in a poem this week at dverse!

balance

not sure how I got here
influenced by others
of course
the vanity of having a Ph.D. degree
to understand the nature of beings
to find the cure
meetings and people
competitions and deadlines
hiding my feelings and not showing
weakness
perfection in each moment
Stop, breath and listen
looking for freedom
I isolate myself
solitude and silence
writing outside the lines
messing up
letting my feelings explode
between colours and paper clips
to find a balance
to breathe my true-self
next day I’ll be ready
a smile on my face
a word of encouragement
a surprise of a new result
observing the miracle
inside a cell
keeping my words and feelings
for later on
when they will lay down
on a piece of paper

Sunday Stills: Blank pages

Good Morning!

Today’s the theme is Fresh, well, so many things fresh things around me this morning:

The fresh flowers I’ve on my kitchen counter, fresh eggs, from the farm market, that I scrambled for my husband, fresh laundry waiting to be ironed, a new book on my coffee table …, but today I want to show the freshness of a habit, my journaling practice. I hope I have captured it below:

Let us live simply in the freshness of the present moment, in the clarity of pure awakened mind.

Matthieu Ricard

The freshness of a new morning
Coffee fragance diffusing through the kitchen
Blank pages waiting
Waiting for words
And thoughts 
To surrender to the moment

Have a lovely and fresh Sunday!

Nurturing Thursday: Write

You can always edit a bad page. You can’t edit a blank page.
Jodi Picoult

After many months on and off with my writing, finally, I’m getting back to it. I had mixed feelings about it and my critical voice was speaking aloud.

I don’t know what I was afraid of, since I write for myself, to put on the pages what needs to come out of my mind, to clear my ideas, in general, to make sense of myself. It’s not that I’ll publish it or defense a thesis about it. It’s more a kind of lone therapy.

Well, my mind is playing many tricks recently, some of them dangerous, so it’s better to put everything clear on the paper and don’t let these tricks take over.

Sharing with Becca’s Nurturing Thursday.

noticing # 64

A little heart goes a long way when we release boundaries and are ready to create a new path for our dreams.

Noticing how the criticism and boundaries that pull me down are inside my mind. Learning how to be free from them. It isn’t a easy process but I’ll get there.