Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. My dad passed away a few days ago. I feel alone, part of me is gone. My mother passed away in 2011, now I’ve no parents, it’s a feeling of abandonment. It seems I was walking on a tightrope with each one of them holding one of my hands. I still had my father holding me when my mother left, so I kept the balance, he wouldn’t let me fall. Now, my hands are free and I need to keep the balance by myself. As I write this I’m thinking maybe I was the one who abandoned him, I could have done more for him, I could have been more present, I could have done this and that. 

Grief and guilt for sure walk hand in hand. The what ifs which have followed all my life get stronger at this time. I’m constantly journaling and meditating, trying to understand each step of the grieving process. At some moments the pain hits hard but most of the time I’m calm, trying to observe my feelings from a distance instead of diving deeper into them. 

Is there something to give thanks? Yes, I have many things to be thankful for. This year in particular my thanks go to my parents, for their love, strength, honesty, dignity, values, their simplicity and smile, how they always put us kids in the first place and did everything possible and sometimes the impossible to help us to grow and thrive in this world. 

They left us (3 kids, 4 grandkids, 2 grand grandkids) with many material treasures, but the most important of all are the memories which we will keep forever and hopefully pass through many generations. 

Thank you for being here with me and I hope you have something to give thanks today!