Pause Breathe in And breathe out Blank pages wait symphony of dreams giving form to the notes your faithful treasured freedom jotting down the impossible Smoothly guiding the pen through the lines "Pause, breathe in and breathe out, blank pages wait"
Pretend The world is still spinning The laugh is loud and the joy never ends Pretend you are the same Tomorrow never comes The feelings are stagnated Pretend until the truth shows its face And the world ends
Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. My dad passed away a few days ago. I feel alone, part of me is gone. My mother passed away in 2011, now I’ve no parents, it’s a feeling of abandonment. It seems I was walking on a tightrope with each one of them holding one of my hands. I still had my father holding me when my mother left, so I kept the balance, he wouldn’t let me fall. Now, my hands are free and I need to keep the balance by myself. As I write this I’m thinking maybe I was the one who abandoned him, I could have done more for him, I could have been more present, I could have done this and that.
Grief and guilt for sure walk hand in hand. The what ifs which have followed all my life get stronger at this time. I’m constantly journaling and meditating, trying to understand each step of the grieving process. At some moments the pain hits hard but most of the time I’m calm, trying to observe my feelings from a distance instead of diving deeper into them.
Is there something to give thanks? Yes, I have many things to be thankful for. This year in particular my thanks go to my parents, for their love, strength, honesty, dignity, values, their simplicity and smile, how they always put us kids in the first place and did everything possible and sometimes the impossible to help us to grow and thrive in this world.
They left us (3 kids, 4 grandkids, 2 grand grandkids) with many material treasures, but the most important of all are the memories which we will keep forever and hopefully pass through many generations.
Thank you for being here with me and I hope you have something to give thanks today!
It is a cloudy day, raining coming and going. Silence. I’m in the living room looking through the window, trying to find words, organizing my thoughts.
I baked a cake and read a few pages. My thoughts are coming and going as the rain. I don’t have stillness; I need someone, something.
I miss the years which went by so fast, I miss the opportunities I didn’t take, I miss the time I could have spent close to the people I loved, I miss the past. I got lost on the journey. I miss myself, the true-self who is masked by a pretense of being a daughter, wife, mother, employee …, many layers hiding myself.
Who am I when I’m disrobed of all the titles above?
Hello my friends, I hope you are enjoying the new season. Autumn started yesterday here in Canada. I’m so glad it was a Sunday and I could sleep in and I had a delicious breakfast which included pumpkin pie and my homemade plum jam. I also decorated the table with a white pumpkin, it is a tradition for me, every year I buy 3 white pumpkins, I keep them on one of my windowsills during the season. I had a wonderful creamy coffee in my pumpkin mug.
The weekend was beautiful, surprising warm for this time of year and wonderful for going out and taking photos.
These are a few shots from the weekend.
Well, a new week is starting, I hope to keep the weekend vibes with me, I know it is impossible, but I’ll try my best.
Tea & Paper 